What Are the Signs Your Marriage Needs Counseling?

Q: What are the signs a couple needs therapy?

The most common sign is that both partners feel alone — not just disconnected from each other, but as though each has been carrying the weight of the relationship by themselves. One partner is often louder and more reactive while the other is quieter and more withdrawn, but underneath both patterns is the same fear and pain that hasn't found a safe place to land. There is also often unspoken grief for the easier version of the relationship, which tends to come out as blame.

Q: What are the four behaviors that cause 90% of all divorces?

Dr. John Gottman identified four communication patterns, called the Four Horsemen, that are the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown: criticism (attacking your partner's character rather than raising a specific concern), contempt (disrespect, mockery, eye-rolling, or sarcasm), defensiveness (responding to concerns with counter-attacks or victimhood), and stonewalling (shutting down or refusing to engage). All four are learned patterns rather than personality traits, which means they can be unlearned.

Q: What is the number one problem most couples bring to therapy?

Communication — but not because couples can't talk. Most couples struggle because they're talking without actually hearing each other; the words land as attacks rather than information, defenses go up, and the real message never gets through. What underlies it is a predictable cycle where one partner pursues and the other withdraws, both feel misunderstood, and both protect themselves in ways that create more of the pain they're trying to avoid. The cycle is the problem, not the partner.

Q: What is the misery stage of marriage and how do you get through it?

The misery stage is when both partners have been running on empty long enough that the early warmth and goodwill have eroded, everything feels like a negotiation, and the relationship feels like a burden rather than a source of support. Many couples in this stage have stopped trying — not because they don't care, but because trying has felt so consistently painful that they've learned helplessness in the relationship. Getting through it requires interrupting the cycle rather than trying harder within it, which means slowing down, creating safety, and building new patterns.

Q: At what point is a marriage not salvageable?

Rarely where people think. A marriage may not be salvageable when one partner has completely and definitively decided to leave and has no willingness to explore that decision, or when ongoing abuse creates unsafe conditions for treatment. Short of those situations, couples routinely come back from places that seemed impossible — the fear is loudest before the first session.

Most couples who come to The Banyan Tree Center don’t arrive in crisis. They arrive exhausted.

They’re tired of the same fight showing up in different clothes. Tired of feeling alone inside a relationship they used to feel at home in. Tired of tiptoeing around conversations they know need to happen but can’t seem to have without things going sideways.

The couples who make it aren’t the ones who have it easy. They’re the ones who choose to show up for each other.

How do I know if my marriage needs counseling?

The honest answer is that most couples wait too long. Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that couples wait an average of six years after problems begin before seeking help. Six years of resentment, distance, and missed opportunities to reconnect.

You don’t have to be on the verge of divorce to benefit from couples counseling. Some of the most productive work we do is with couples who are still fundamentally connected but stuck in patterns they can’t get out of on their own.

Here are some of the clearest signs it might be time:

You’re having the same argument over and over without resolution
You feel more like roommates than partners
One or both of you has emotionally checked out or shut down
Small things set off disproportionately big reactions
You’ve stopped telling each other things — good or bad
Physical or emotional intimacy has significantly decreased
You’re venting to friends, family, or a therapist individually but not talking to each other
One of you has had or is considering an affair
You’re staying together for the kids, finances, or fear — but not because you want to

None of these mean your marriage is over. They mean your marriage needs attention. There’s a difference.

What are the signs a couple needs therapy?

What we notice most when couples first come in is that they both feel alone. Not just disconnected from each other — actually alone, like they’ve been carrying the weight of the relationship by themselves for a long time.

They’re both hurting. They’re both scared. They’re both exhausted from a cycle they don’t fully understand and can’t seem to stop. One person might be louder about it — more reactive, more critical. The other might be quieter — more withdrawn, more shut down. But underneath both of those patterns is the same thing: fear and pain that haven’t found a safe place to land.

A couple in trouble looks like two people who still care but have lost a healthy connection to each other. They’re hurting, scared, defensive, hopeful, ashamed, and exhausted. And they walk into therapy carrying all of that at once.

There’s also often grief. They’re grieving the lightness they used to have. The feeling of being chosen. The version of the relationship that felt easy and good. And because they don’t have language for that grief, it comes out as blame.

What are the four behaviors that cause 90% of all divorces?

Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading researchers on relationships, identified four communication patterns that are the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown. He calls them the Four Horsemen.

Criticism — attacking your partner’s character rather than raising a specific concern. “You never think about anyone but yourself” instead of “I felt hurt when you didn’t check in with me.”

Contempt — treating your partner with disrespect, mockery, or disgust. Eye-rolling, sarcasm, and name-calling fall here. Gottman’s research identifies contempt as the single strongest predictor of divorce.

Defensiveness — responding to concerns with counter-attacks or victimhood rather than taking any responsibility. “Well, you do the same thing” or “I wouldn’t do that if you didn’t…”

Stonewalling — shutting down, withdrawing, or refusing to engage. Often a sign of emotional flooding — the person is so overwhelmed they can no longer process the conversation.

Most couples recognize themselves in at least one of these. The good news is that all four are patterns, not personality traits. They can be unlearned. That’s exactly what couples counseling helps you do.

What is the number one problem most couples bring to therapy?

Communication — but not in the way most people think.

Most couples don’t struggle because they can’t talk. They struggle because they’re talking but not actually hearing each other. The words are landing as attacks rather than information. Defenses go up. The real message never gets through.

What we see most often is a cycle — a predictable loop that gets triggered by certain topics, tones, or situations. One person pursues, the other withdraws. One person criticizes, the other shuts down. Both people feel misunderstood. Both people feel alone. Both people are trying to protect themselves from pain, and in doing so, they keep creating more of it.

The cycle is the problem. Not your partner. Once you can actually see the cycle you’re in, everything starts to shift.

What is the number one predictor of divorce?

According to decades of research by the Gottman Institute, contempt is the single strongest predictor of divorce. Not conflict, not disagreement, not even infidelity — contempt.

Contempt is what happens when resentment has been building for a long time without repair. It’s the moment a partner stops seeing the other as someone they’re on the same team as and starts treating them as an opponent, or worse, as someone beneath them.

It’s worth noting that contempt doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It grows from years of unaddressed grievances, failed attempts at connection, and feeling chronically unseen or unappreciated. Which is exactly why getting help before contempt takes hold matters so much.

What is the misery stage of marriage and how do you get through it?

The misery stage is what happens when both partners have been running on empty for a long time. The early warmth and goodwill have eroded. Everything feels like a negotiation or a battle. The relationship feels like a burden rather than a source of support.

A lot of couples in this stage have stopped trying — not because they don’t care, but because trying has felt so consistently painful and fruitless that they’ve given up. They’ve learned helplessness in the relationship.

Getting through the misery stage requires interrupting the cycle rather than trying harder within it. That usually means slowing down, creating safety, and building new patterns — which is exactly what couples therapy is designed to help with.

The misery stage is not the end of a marriage. It’s a signal that the relationship needs something it hasn’t been getting.

At what point is a marriage not salvageable?

This is the question we hear more than almost any other, and the honest answer is: rarely where people think.

Couples come in saying things like “we’re too far gone” or “it’s been too long.” And then they do the work, and something shifts. Two people who have been sitting across from each other like strangers suddenly soften. One of them says something small but real, like “I didn’t know you felt that way.” And the other person actually hears it. Not as an attack. Just as the truth.

There’s a quiet pause where neither of them is bracing anymore. The problem hasn’t changed. They have. They stop protecting themselves and start reaching toward each other. And once that happens — even once — everything becomes possible.

A marriage may not be salvageable when one partner has completely and definitively decided to leave and has no willingness to explore that decision. Or when there is ongoing abuse that creates unsafe conditions for treatment. But short of those situations, our therapists have seen couples come back from places that seemed impossible.

The fear is loudest before the first session. After that, something softens.

Where to start

If you recognized your relationship somewhere in this post, that recognition is the useful part. It doesn’t mean your marriage is failing. It means something in it is asking for attention.

Our couples and family therapists in Athens work with partners at every stage — those in the misery stage, those preparing for marriage, and everyone in between. If you’re still weighing whether it’s worth it, does marriage counseling work? covers the evidence and what actually makes the difference.

When you’re ready, you can book a free 15-minute consultation. No pressure. Just a conversation.

The Banyan Tree Center is Athens, Georgia’s premier integrative counseling and wellness practice. Our team of highly skilled therapists is committed to a holistic approach to health and well-being.

This post was written in collaboration with Karen Clark, LPC, CADC II, who contributed her clinical expertise in Gottman Method Couples Therapy and 15 years of experience working with couples to ensure the accuracy and depth of this content. Karen is also certified in Prepare/Enrich for premarital counseling and sees clients in person in Athens and via telehealth across Georgia.